May I ask you a question?

May I ask you a question?

Here’s the set up. You’re a busy executive and you run your own business.  The new strategy is working. Sales are increasing. You have a high-quality product that customers want. Life is good. There is one glitch. You just received word that your IT systems may have been hacked. You are about to find out how bad the situation is.

In the middle of a short and urgent call one of your staff members says, “May I ask you a question?” 

Really?

You just did.

As you take a deep breath and respond by saying of course, ask me anything, your staff member goes on and on and on to let you know something she’s been thinking about.

I’m sure you know a similar version of this story. There are many permutations.  Some folks ask if they can ask you a question.  Some folks say they have a question but never get to the question. Others have many, many questions and never ask them.  Why do people do this?

I used to think that people were, in some strange way, asking permission for attention. Yet, they didn’t want to bother you.  They also didn’t realize that doing this diminishes their own authority because they are perceived as lacking confidence. If someone doesn’t give the impression that their question is important to them and they need to ask, then why would I think it is important to answer?  And what about those that never ask?  Is that the adult equivalent of why girls are less likely to raise their hands in class? Is the pressure of being right or smart too great?  

Recently, I’ve heard some interesting thoughts from two highly successful individuals.  The first is from a professor, psychologist, and researcher on leadership. We spoke about a meeting we had both attended and observed.  I sensed that a group of individuals seeking to advise a C-Suite leader on a complex challenge all seemed timid. They kept summarizing things already said rather than moving the conversation forward. Something was holding them back.  They only had 15 minutes for the conversation, and they ran out the clock. It was quite frustrating, particularly when one team member asked if she could ask a question.  Wow.  My colleague said he sees this happen often and that people are really asking if you’ll be nice to them.

I find this fascinating. They already had a seat at the table. Yet, it seems they were asking again if they should be there and have someone else assuage their fears or feeling that they didn’t belong.  How often do you see this happen? Does it happen to you?

Two days later I listened to a professor and journalist give a talk about interviewing strategies that are both applicable to reporters and to just about anyone in life.  At one point he spoke about the students at the universities he had worked.  When bringing in guest speakers he ultimately asks the students if they have questions.  The room falls silent.  After years of teaching, he has concluded that there is too much pressure to ask the most brilliant question, therefore, the students ask none.  

I used to do this.  I was shy, and I was trying to find space to enter the conversation.  Thankfully, years ago, a dear colleague and confidant emphatically said, “Stop asking me if you could ask a question! We are already in conversation, and you can state or ask anything you want!”

It took practice and practice on my part to change my habit.  I began to catch myself and gain awareness. Then I chose, in advance, what I might say that was different. My colleague gave me feedback and inspiration. Later, and now, I just ask what I want to know.